"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone.'" -
"Ain't no pickpocket trying to steal my suitcase. It could be an expensive laptop computer or it could be the end of their life. It's too much of a gamble." -
"Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner." -
"With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don't have to swear. Reason being, things work." -
"The first coherent line ever spoken was: 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'" -
"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." -
"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess." -
"I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." -
"I've written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. To make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card."