Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or less.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
1
Jingle Bell Jawbreaker
Me: We need to work on our communication. Husband: You mean me listening to you and doing whatever you say? Me: Correct.
2
Melanie
Marriage is funny. You do all this intimate stuff together, but the moment your spouse uses your toothbrush or shares your towel, you have to burn that shit.
3
Whiskey Enthusiast
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
4
Stocking full of Nacho Enthusiast
Didn’t know being sick was a contest, until I got married.
5
Maryfairyboberry
My husband spent approximately 17 seconds cleaning lint from the dryer for the first time and is now preparing himself for sainthood.
6
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
Shazam’d my wife snoring last night and it came up as Bob Dylan lol.
7
The Vagina Diary
Things my husband Googles: How gravel is made? Things I Google: How to lease a Sloth?
8
Dan Regan
My wife doesn't like it when I wear sweatpants out to dinner, but she usually wears leggings. Leggings are just slimmer sweatpants.
9
Mama•Is•Tired
This morning I’m grateful for my husband pooping in our kids bathroom and not ours.
10
Momtribevibe
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
11
henchblahblah
"I think the dog prefers Evian" and other terrifying things my wife has said to me
12
Forward March
In all these years of marriage I have learned that when I think I'm right I'm mostly wrong.
13
Divergent Mama
My husband leaves town for a week: see ya! I leave town for a week: here's the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.
14
Grant Tanaka
that terrible sound my wife’s car was making turned out to be dave matthews band
15
Arianna Bradford
Sometimes, my husband and I will get all romantic and just start dancing together. We don’t even turn on any music, because the sound of our joints popping and cracking keeps us on beat all on its own.
16
ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ ʙᴇɪɴɢ (NOT BEES)
I'm bad at everything on purpose because my wife appreciates consistency.
17
Felicia Navidad
There are two types of men: the ones that don't shush you during Braveheart because they've seen the damned movie 42 times, and then there's my husband.
18
A Christmas Dump Truck
You know you're about to have a lit time when you walk into Walmart, and your wife says: get a cart...you never know...
19
ThreeTimeDaddy
It occurred to me that my wife and I have 12, maybe 13 years before we can probably have a date night without worrying about baby sitters or the kids. It’s made me stressed. Not because it’s years away, but because it might not be enough time for her to decide where to go.
20
Marcy G
Marriage is fun because you started off as a cute couple that couldn't fart in front of each other, but now you can smell his farts and know if he cheated on you with chipotle.
21
Jingle Bell Jawbreaker
50% of marriage is spent saying “That’s not what I said.”
22
Cathryn
*walks downstairs* *hears Husband untangling Christmas lights* *goes back upstairs*
23
MommaG
My husband doesn’t like looking up anything online..he prefers to call the store and ask someone who has no fucking clue if they have something.. then he gets on his dinosaur to go pick it up.
24
Eric
WIFE: what do u want for Christmas ME: nothing WIFE: come on seriously ME: a snow blower WIFE: no ME: a new tv WIFE: no ME: an iPad WIFE: no ME: socks WIFE: tell me more
25
Momtribevibe
'You get what you get and you don't get upset.' I say to myself when my husband brings me a snack, but it's not the one I really wanted.