The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
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“I’m just a teenage dirtbag BAaaaby” -me, pushing 30, many of my friends have kids
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) April 18, 2020
to live a fulfilling life, you're supposed to regularly do things that scare you
my anxiety: NAILED IT
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 19, 2020
Lately I've been ordering stuff online just to give me a will to live for 4-7 business days.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) April 24, 2020
me, turning my wifi off & on again: i am a woman in STEM
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 23, 2020
wearing jeans today like a goddamn first class passenger on the titanic
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 21, 2020
i'm the only adult i know who drinks regular coke and not diet or coke zero and i'm never going to grow up
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) April 21, 2020
You’re telling me the earthquake busted in mere minutes after it becoming earth day?? An icon
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 22, 2020
Every woman's wardrobe needs:
Black dress
White blouse
Cursed necklace purchased at garage sale that allows her to move furniture just by thinking about it
Jeans
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 22, 2020
All I need is someone to tell me that making a bunch of epaulettes and sewing them on all my clothes is a bad use of this time.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) April 20, 2020
Husband: *rearranging our throw pillows*
Me: [from upstairs] That’s not how they go.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 21, 2020
Wait is there really a tv show where you can win $100,000 just by not having sex for a month. I couldve won over a million dollars last year
— gov michaela (@MichaelaOkla) April 23, 2020
The only thing I’m good at when it comes to home improvement is adding another dog to the family.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 18, 2020
got a fridge full of bullshit leftovers i loathe and resent
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) April 22, 2020
I can’t wait to go back to avoiding people on my own terms.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 20, 2020
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) April 21, 2020
Guy Fieri stopped wearing those shirts with flames on em cause we made fun of him so bad.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) April 22, 2020
[every recipe]
This dish is SUPER EASY to make!
- 1,000 spices you don’t own
- 2 quarts. u know what a quart is?
- you’ve never heard of this item in your life. google it bitch.
- cookware even your parents don’t have
- no not that kind of flour
- good luck finding eggs
- eggs
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) April 20, 2020
Soup? You mean hot cracker sauce
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) April 22, 2020
I’m Mad About Everything and Nothing All at Once: A PMS Tale
— Imani Gandy ️ (@AngryBlackLady) April 23, 2020
as i sit here drinking a sprite with vodka, i wonder how many $17 cocktails i've had that were just a sprite with vodka
— Julia Moser (@juliamoserrrr) April 24, 2020