I won’t say that you have to have parents who believe in you in order to succeed, but I’m sure it helps. Hey, look, sometimes the very opposite helps. History is riddled with successful individuals who had parents who not only didn’t believe in them, but were even abusive to them, or perhaps entirely absent. Some even had parents who were competitive with them. Some of the most famous, successful individuals did not have their parents cheering them along on the sidelines, and maybe that was the very thing that drove them to success.
But, even so, it would be silly to say that having a supportive parent is a bad thing. It can’t be a negative thing. A person who lays on the pressure? A parent who expects you to be the best and gets angry when you aren’t? Well, that can be detrimental. You can crumble under the pressure, unable to meet your potential because your parents set it so damn high. So, the best thing is probably something in between the completely absent or mean parent, and the parent who puts on the pressure. The best thing would be someone who believes in you, but will also be happy for you—be proud of you—no matter what.
I must say, I have a parent who doesn’t believe in me much. It took me a long time to accept that and to admit that. I would complain to my friends and partner about the things my mom would say about my career. And then, one day, my boyfriend actually asked me, “Do you think your mom doesn’t believe in you?” It had never occurred to me like that. But the answer was clear: I cannot say in any certain way that she does believe in me. And that’s the problem. Do your parents not believe in you? Here are some signs. Maybe you can talk to them about it. That’s what I had to do. Even if my mom doesn’t inwardly believe in me, I need her to outwardly pretend to.
They always look concerned
Any time you speak to your parents about your career, they look concerned. Their eyes squint up. Their mouths form frowns. They cock their heads to the side. They look as if they’re watching a car wreck. They do this even when you’re just talking about some mundane details of your work. The very mention of it draws out obvious concern on their faces.
They change the subject
Sometimes, they just change the subject. You try to tell them about something happening at work, and they…tell you that the neighbors are renovating their home and that it’s been quite loud. Oookay…Apparently you’re done discussing your career. If they don’t have anything nice to say, they may just change the subject.
Or your parents just tune out. You call one to tell them a long story about your work—perhaps about a victory, or just something you’re struggling with—and then you hear them…typing. Washing dishes. Talking to somebody else in the room. They tune out. Maybe they don’t even like the concerning feelings they have when they hear about your work so they distract themselves.
When your parents do talk to you about your career, they only bring up concerns. They only talk about the things that could go wrong. They only discuss the issues they’ve thought of that you may face. They never, ever talk about all the wonderful things that could happen. They never talk about the possibilities out there for you.
They suggest other work
Your parents have even suggested other work. There you are, working hard at your business, and your mom emails you an article about a company that’s hiring in your town…a company that has nothing to do with what you’re doing. She might even set up a meeting for you—a job interview—with a family friend. Again, in an industry you have no interest in.
They don’t brag about you
Your parents do not brag about you. It seems their friends and family didn’t hear a word about your recent victory. In fact, they make excuses for you. They belittle what you do. Other family members ask how your pursuit is going, and your parents cut in to say, “It’s really just a hobby. That’s not how she makes her living.”
Or let you brag about yourself
They don’t even let your brag about yourself. Or, if you do try to brag about the thing you really care about—that book you’re writing or your band or your new online business—your parents cut in and brag about something else. They brag, instead, about the thing you don’t care about. “She was also named employee of the month at the restaurant she works at,” they say.
They keep pitching you rich husbands
Your parents keep trying to introduce you to wealthy husbands. They also talk, often, about women they know who married wealthy and do not work and how happy they seem. They’ve even sent men your way—you’ve received phone calls from your mom’s friend’s stockbroker son. You didn’t ask for him to call you.
They only ask about your backup gig
Your parents only ever ask about your “stable” job, your “main” job, your “actual” job—and that’s what they call it. Your “real” job. That’s the thing they inquire about. They don’t ask about the thing they know actually matters most to you—your passion project. They just want to know if your raise kicked in at the job they know isn’t your true love.
They have sad financial plans for you
They have some financial plans for you that really betray their feelings about your future. They’ll say things like, “Okay, so if you continue to make the same you’re making now forever, and save this much each year, you can put this aside and retire at this age.” They just assume you’ll be stuck in your position forever.
They turn your good news into bad news
They have a way of turning your good news into bad news. Maybe you’re a musician, and you got hired to open for a big act. You try to tell your parents—to bring them into the celebration—and they say things like, “Oh, but you’re just the opener? So, your name isn’t on the marquee or anything like that? And you don’t get paid much?”
And bad news into terrible news
They turn bad news into truly terrible news. If you tell them about a small mistake you made doing the thing you love, they might say things like, “Oh no. Word gets around fast in that industry. That could really affect how others think about you and ruin your chances of being hired again.” Gee, wow—thanks for making you feel better!
They read off statistics to you
They often list off statistics—negative statistics—about what you’re trying to do. “Most novelists’ work winds up in the bargain bin, and many wind up depressed alcoholics.” These are the types of things they say to you if you want to be a writer. “The jewelry business is failing. Even the big chains are shutting down” is what they say if you want to make accessories.
They remind you of your weaknesses
They have a way of reminding you of your weaknesses, rather than your strengths. “You’ve always been very nervous in crowds,” “You have always struggled with math,” “You don’t do well in fast-paced environments.” They, for some reason, decide to mention these things when you’re going into a situation where you need to not hear about that.
You’ve asked them
You’ve actually straight up asked them if they believed in you, and the answer was not a resounding, unhesitant, confident yes. They fumbled. They were shocked by the question, and clearly uncomfortable. Rather than answering your question, they came back at you with questions about how you think your career is going.