I have a very good friend to thank for getting me out of the emotionally abusive relationship that I was in. Though I did learn a lot of valuable lessons in that relationship that ensured I’ll never be in another one like it again, I’d never wish such a relationship upon anyone. I learned my lessons the hard way—by actually being in an emotionally abusive relationship—but I wish that every woman out there could just learn the lesson through a second-hand story, and never go through them personally. But if you are, right now, in an emotionally abusive relationship, there are some things you need to hear. If you aren’t sure whether or not you’re in one, here is a hint: if you felt a deep sadness just reading in an emotionally abusive relationship, then you might be.
If it feels abusive, then it is
Just because on paper something wouldn’t sound abusive, doesn’t mean that it isn’t. To an outsider, it may just seem like your partner sometimes speaks to you with a very monotone voice or is occasionally a bit absent. Describing his behavior to an outsider (which is probably something you do often) might not make it sound like you’re being abused. But you know about the interpersonal dynamics at play. If you feel emotionally abused, you are.
So don’t twist his actions
Do not focus on “just the facts.” He’ll ask you to do that, as a way of making you stay. For example, if he was cold and withholding to you for a few hours after seeing you hug a male friend, and later says he was just “distracted by something,” don’t listen to his words. Listen to your feelings. He can paint his actions any way he wants, but you know what’s really at play.
You need to know that love can be simple—that love can feel just like love. It doesn’t have to feel like judgment. It doesn’t have to feel difficult. There are men who can convey love with actions and words that are unmistakably positive and kind.
With that last point in mind, don’t listen to him when he says he’s only jealous because he cares or he’s only critical because he cares. That is not what someone does when he genuinely cares about you. When someone cares about you, he makes sure the medium of their message is just as gentle as the message.
And the result is still your pain
It’s easy to get caught up in making excuses for this person. It’s easy to accept his explanations. You can justify each and every action all day, but does it change the fact that he hurts you? No, it does not. The result is the same, whether or not you can explain the action.
Being alone will feel better than this
I promise you—promise you—that being alone will feel better than this. You may feel panicked and confused the first few days after leaving the relationship, but then you will be overcome with a sense of freedom and newfound energy for life. You’ll be free, and you’ll realize that before you were not free.
If he says otherwise, it’s because he is scared
He will tell you that if you leave, your life will be worse. He’ll tell you nobody else will want you. He will tell you that your life will suck without him. First of all, any man who actually respects you and cares about you should believe that you have a wonderful life as an individual. Second off, he’s only saying this because his life will suck without you.
Don’t think about how much you’ve invested
You may be caught up in thoughts like, “But I’ve already put so much time into this relationship. It’d be such a waste to leave now.” I have some unfortunate news: the entire thing has been a waste. Every day you’ve been in it, this man has killed your spirit a little bit more. Don’t look at it as I put so much into this: think of it as I should get out while I still have so much more life to live.
He won’t change
He will not change, at least not while he’s in this relationship. So long as women will be with him while he behaves like this, his behavior is enabled. He will promise to change. Do not listen. He is free to go change on his own. You should not stick around to see if it happens in this relationship. It won’t.
Don’t pity him because he’s also hurting
You probably know that he has a messed up past. Perhaps his parents abused him or he was cheated on. You know that he only hurts you because he has been hurt. You feel bad for him, which is part of the reason you excuse his behavior.
He has a responsibility to fix himself
Here’s the thing: part of being an adult is taking accountability for our actions even if someone else caused them. You probably have trauma and pain in your past, isn’t that right? But do you use that as an excuse to mistreat people? Hopefully not. So neither should he.
And you deserve a man who’s already healed
You deserve to be with someone who has already done his personal work—who has already been to therapy and healed his wounds so he can be a caring, generous partner. They are out there.
It’s killing your friends to watch this
It’s breaking your friends hearts to watch you be in an emotionally abusive relationship. And they do see it. It’s so hard for them to see this. And they likely feel they can’t say anything, because it will just push you closer to him.
You can talk to them
You can talk to your friends. I promise you they already know what’s going on, and they want to help you get out of this relationship. Your good friends will be there with you, step by step, keeping that toxic man away from you however they have to.
It would devastate your parents
Think of how your parents would feel if they knew the abuse going on. They’ve made it their life goal to take care of you, and you’ve put yourself in the hands of someone who is hurting you. That would truly break their hearts.