Often times when we discuss domestic violence in intimate or romantic relationships, the solution people offer is “just leave.”
But according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, the violence a person experiences frequent intensifies when a victim leaves or escapes because the abuser feels a loss of control over the victim. The NCADV reports that “1/5 homicide victims with restraining orders are murdered within two days of obtaining the order; 1/3 are murdered within the first 2 months.”
While people of any gender can be the victims of domestic violence, according to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, women are more likely to experience physical violence in a relationship. Four out of 5 domestic violence victims are women. Given this statistic and the fact that most women are in romantic relationships with men, we’ll be speaking in terms of women who experience violence at the hands of their male partners.
Advising women to “just leave” may be the ultimate solution and well-meaning, it isn’t that simple. But it can be particularly painful to watch loved ones endure the physical and psychological trauma of these relationships.
We reached out to two survivors to discuss their experiences in violent relationships and particularly how friends and family members of victims can lend their support before a woman is ready to leave an abusive partner.
S.: Contrary to how secretive I thought I was being, my friends weren’t stupid and knew I was in an abusive relationship. I don’t think they knew the extent, but they were aware I was in an extremely toxic situation. They didn’t isolate me or question me. I think past a certain point they knew nothing they said would influence my decision to leave. The most touching thing they did for me, was remain my friends. They waited for me to make the decision to get out of it and when I did, they offered their full support to help me stay out.
One of my friends gave me a domestic violence pamphlet and told me to read on my own time. I was very much in denial then and also thought I was hiding it. I didn’t leave then but it put the seed in my head that I was dealing with something deeper than isolated incidents. I didn’t think I was in a domestic violent relationship, I thought I had done something wrong and was paying for it with physical discipline. I also thought him hitting me meant he loved me—that he just couldn’t control himself because he loved me so much. The pamphlet first introduced the idea to me that DV isn’t about love, it’s about control.
I think I did, but the love outweighed the judgment. My friends and family were more curious about what made me stay because the relationship dimmed my light so much. They knew I deserved more than what I was receiving and just wanted more for me.
Carla: Your friends would probably be more willing to come to you in regards to information about DV if people weren’t so judgmental. That is one of the largest things. People get put down. In the state of Louisiana, we just had three women who were killed due to domestic violence. And if you could hear some of the conversations that are being had… If you’re a person going through domestic violence, this is something that you will hear. ‘They stupid. Why didn’t they leave? I would never be caught in a domestic violence situation.’
One of the first things I say when speaking to women and a lot of African American women is there are a lot of people who say, ‘It couldn’t be me.’ And that is a lie. It absolutely, positively could be you. It depends on how a person catches you. And I will tell you at that point in my life, it was a bad time. He caught me at a bad time. Sometimes, in our lives, we’re a little bit weaker and a lot of people don’t like to admit that. At that time in my life, I was weak. So, I knew I couldn’t go to my family friends because the first thing whenever anybody hears about my story, they can’t believe because of the strong person I am. I’ve always had a strong personality.
I did have friends that I entrusted. One of my friends was Tasha and another was Adrian. With Tasha, I knew that she wouldn’t go back and tell people what happened. What she did was tell me and reinforce, ‘Carla, you are a great person and you don’t deserve this.’
My friend Adrian, he was more, ‘I just want to kill him.’ But to even have a person that would protect you, that in itself says a lot about the friendship and how much he has love for me. With this generation, it seems like it’s a lot of judgment. When a person hears you say, ‘It couldn’t be you,’ why would I want to tell you my story? Because you’re basically calling me weak for staying in the situation. In a sense you are but you’re not ready for that truth at that time. So what friends can do is be supportive. It’s hard for a person to come to you if they feel like you’re going to be the topic of discussion when it comes to your other friends. Meaning, they feel as if once this conversation is over, it’s going to travel. Basically, you’re going to be the elephant in the room any time anything happens. I encourage all friends to speak with your friends.
Also, pay attention. One thing Tasha and Adrian paid attention to was I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t my vibrant, always laughing and joking self. I changed. And you do change. The person that abuses you, they literally drain you. It’s for a multitude of reasons but they don’t want you to feel like you can get out. But you can definitely get out.
I encourage everyone, talk to someone, talk to your sister, talk to a counselor, if you have to call the 1-800 number. [1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.]
Also, understand—the young lady who was murdered in Louisiana, she had a restraining order and I had a restraining order as well. That restraining order does not stop anything. My parents got me in self-defense classes and I also got a concealed weapon. Take care of yourself. I would rather see us, meaning survivors in jail, versus me having to post another woman’s picture who was killed.
Watch who you tell things to because a lot of times our friends are intertwined. So you’re my friend, I tell you that my boyfriend is abusing me. And your boyfriend is friends with my boyfriend. You think you’re going to pillow talk with your boyfriend and it stays there but he could very well tell your abuser, ‘Carla told my girlfriend that you were abusing her.’ And that could start a chain reaction. All I can say is if a person wants to assist their friend, be a good friend. Get a strategy. Get an out plan. Because that person needs to get out. Some things are unpreventable; but for the most part, if you get an action plan, you make sure your friends know where you are. Have code words.
You can listen to Carla’s words in the video below.