1) Identify what you value about the relationship. When we are hurt it is tempting to focus on the difficult and less-than-appealing elements of our partners and our relationship. But couples who work through difficult times keep their eyes on the positives and can clearly say why they want to stay with this person and what they love about them. This step can also give you clarity. If the only reason you can think of to stay together is that you dread the task of separating, that may not be enough to get you through. By clarifying what has worked in your relationship, you can build on those things and stay motivated to do the repair work needed.
2) Get support for the relationship. If it was easy to just press the reset button and get over the hurt, you would just do that. The truth is if your friends and family have heard you complain about your partner month after month, they may support you but find it hard to support the relationship. Also if you and your partner are trying to be the only support for each other, you may find yourselves in a pattern of constantly having difficult talks about past hurts and how you are feeling. Therapy is great because it gives you an unbiased, experienced support person and it allows you and your partner to focus time together outside of therapy on having fun together again, which is critical
3) Take steps to make sure that the behavior that hurt you is not going to repeat. This step is not about being naïve. This step is about figuring out what you and your partner need to change to convince you that the patterns that happened before are not going to happen again. Notice I include you in this as well. Couples that recover from relationship wounds can point to the things they each did to address the problems and make changes. They have a plan to address future problems before they grow. Folk wisdom tells us that we can't forgive injuries that are still happening to us. It is hard to start over when you are in the same old patterns. Both people have to be willing to change.
4) Make clear promises to yourself. One of the fears that people talk to me about in therapy is that if they forgive their partner this time, then maybe they will never stand up for themselves again. The big fear is actually not that their partner will take advantage of this; the big fear is that they can no longer trust themselves to set limits and enforce them. In this step it is important to allow yourself time to reassess your own limits. So maybe the things your 20 year-old self thought were unforgivable are forgivable after all. This does not mean you have lost all right to relationship boundaries. This is a conversation you need to have with yourself. The step to take is to forgive yourself for being someone who can get hurt and then to trust yourself anyway.