Afam stood across the street and I sat at mama's shop stealing glances until he waved a taxi that drove away.
I saw him again in my dream last night, he held my hands and stared into my eyes.
It has been two months since I saw Afam last and since I caught glances at anyone. My life felt miserable Until today.
I checked the time, it was 7:05. Time to close mama's shop. I dragged my feet as it felt heavy with defeat.
The clouds suddenly made a twist and air pressed my lungs, I could almost swear that the breeze tasted like vinegar as I opened my mouth to inhale it.
It became severe and I knew it was about to rain but I dared not hurry things up. I was a mess and I dreaded rain.
A drop, drizzles and then it poured... Rain!
As I walked home in the rain it felt like I could finally breathe. At first walking in the rain was impulse and then sudden need to understand why I felt anger and pain at something so heavenly as rain kept me walking. I felt freedom,I felt alive and like spasm it all came in a flash and I stood fixated at the spot.
2 years ago I was running home
It was past 7, We closed late from after school lessons plus I was held back by a group of friends wanting clarifications to a text. I was running home afraid of tasting the wrath of papa's belt,Giri that is what we call it. He gave a curfew and I knew better not to disobey.
The street was deserted as it threatened to rain,stores closed or about to close but I still ran.
I had the option of waiting but I was too scared to hide from the rain. No better option than running,running even when it rained.
It started.....drops, drizzles, and then it poured.....Rain!
I kept on running with my bag hidden underneath my blue floral dress
I saw an image opposite me but I cared less as "Giri" kept ringing in my head,before I knew it the image was running towards me, he double crossed me and lifted me,at first I couldn't explain why or understand why, I was only 14, it became clearer in the process as he dropped me under a tree and made to raise my dress, I tried to scream,I wanted to but I couldn't, all that was in my head was still "Giri" and Papa raising his hands when I explain to him that I was carried by a stranger to a tree.
I couldn't scream but I struggled, he held my hands and pressed them against his. He quickly pulled his shorts and his thrust was hard. Pain shot through my body.
I screamed, all of which turned into plea as the thrust became harder and faster. He was fast but it felt like forever. All this while I hadn't seen his face as he did well to cover it.
He was done and as he made to leave he said 'I am sorry' and he ran.
I recognised his voice even moreso as I watched him leave,his body frame gave him away.
Afam lived two houses away from mama's shop and I couldn't believe he was the who lifted me and dropped me under the almond tree.
I passed out under flickers of rain after crying endlessly.
The next day I found myself on mama's lap, she was sobbing and I kept asking why she was and why I felt so much pain in between my laps and all over my head,even my mouth was heavy. All mama kept saying to me was ' it's okay my daughter' and I closed my eyes almost immediately into the place where I felt peace with mama's resounding 'it's okay my daughter' which later became background sounds that soothed my inner mind.
Doctor Mbaka kept coming days after with questions all of which I couldn't fathom or answer.
Amnesia he called it as he advised my parents to give me some time to heal.
I remember asking mama what he meant by amnesia and what exactly I was healing from, I also remember mama smiling and telling me I would be fine so I waited to be fine.
I stood fixated at the spot and it all came back. I felt my head spark, I felt my heart light and I screamed as tears rained down on my face.
I pulled my sandals,took it in my hands and I ran as the rain poured his blessings of hoist and beat my skin.
I ran home screaming Afam,Afam,Afam...
My journey of redemption.