What is your idea of the ideal relationship? For many people, it is a relationship where they get along perfectly with their significant other, regardless of their faults. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always deal us those cards.
Many individuals find that they constantly bicker but if you fall into that category, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is beyond hope. As a matter of fact, some of the strongest relationships occur when arguments take place regularly. The difference is, they argue properly.
A survey of 1000 people was reported by the Guardian. They described their past relationships and the results may surprise you.
80% of those who were surveyed said that poor communication was at the foundation of the end of their relationship. Over 50% said it was a major cause of the breakup.
Surprisingly, only 20% said that they were the ones to blame for the arguing in the relationship.
It may seem all negative, but the results were not always bad. When spouses argued effectively with each other, they were 10 times more likely to be happy in their relationship.
Joseph Grenny, a relationship guru says that fighting with your partner is not always the worst thing. He even urges couples to have something he refers to as “crucial conversations”
“True love takes work,” he said. “Real intimacy is not just about love but is also about truth.”
There are certain taboos topics that are hard to discuss and lead to arguments on a more frequent basis. They include money, sex, and annoying habits.
He also offered tips to couples so they can argue without breaking up:
Manage your thoughts to avoid lashing out. Think through what you want to say and communicate it effectively.
Make rational judgments. Don’t overreact or let your emotions get the best of you. Think about the problem you’re facing and try to solve it together.
Affirm your partner’s feelings. Before you jump into a list of pent-up complaints, tell your partner that you appreciate their feelings and understand their decisions.
Invite your partner to contribute. An ideal argument is really a dialogue between two people. Don’t try to dominate or “win” the conversation.
There’s been a lot of study on the subject about people who argue in their relationships. This includes a pair of psychologists from the University of Washington and University of California at Berkeley. Those psychologists spent almost 15 years studying dozens of married couples.
What they found is those good partnerships were based on good habits. That included knowing how to argue and to settle disagreements.
One of the ways in which this was seen is in the typical argument of successful couples. It wasn’t just a short burst of anger. It was a long, drawn-out problem and in many cases, the couples would spend hours or days on that one subject.
It even included talking calmly about the argument after it was over.
Keeping an open mind when listening to your partner’s argument can help to get past the disagreement. The secret is not to dismiss the complaints of your partner but to work through them. It helps you to build a solution to the issue as a couple.
The Journal of Marriage and Family also did another study. They found that “positive encouragement” taking place during a fight could help. It was a matter of careful listening and calm discussion.
Most experts tend to focus on how to argue with your spouse but there is another that claims you may never have to argue at all.
This comes from Susan Heitler who says it is not necessary to argue when couples solve problems by talking cooperatively.
She says that the difference is that arguing couples want to win a fight rather than addressing an argument. She says that couples should build a mutual understanding through cooperative, calm dialogue. They should never try to be combative.
“Marriage works best when you both aim to stand together,” she said. “United against the problems, not pitted against each other.”
She recommends trying to avoid judgment and not to use hurtful language. Rather, respect should be shown to the partner during an argument, something she refers to as a “cooperative talk.”