When it comes to discussing the differences between a tastelessly modified car owner and a ricer, the devil is all in the details. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that it comes down to a difference in philosophy. A ricer is all about trying to emulate the race car aesthetic, with no effort being put into the performance side of the equation. The way I learned it, the term “rice” in the automotive context was supposed to be an acronym for “Race Inspired Cosmetic Enhancement”. That’s why something like a Donk or a Chevy Cavalier with a Slipknot mural on it don’t qualify as ricers: they aren’t trying to look like high-performance vehicles. My peer-reviewed sources over at urbandictionary.com further reinforce my side in this debate, defining the word as “[a] person who makes unnecessary modifications to their most often import car […] to make it (mostly make it look) faster” (Garrett 2003).
Of course, I know the particulars of language have shifted over the years, so it could well be that none of you care about that, and just want to see some grade-A wheeled atrocities, regardless of what car subculture they belong to. Too bad, I say: this is a list all about those OG ricers, and all of what they represent. So to all of you with some of that Need for Speed: Underground, 2 Fast 2 Furious-era dreck, with droopy fiberglass body kits, towering rear wings, neon underflow lighting, and metallic paint jobs with those shiny metal flecks in them: this one goes out to you.
19
CHEVROLET SPRINT
Fun fact time! The Chevrolet Sprint was a rebadged version of the second-generation Suzuki Swift (also known as the Geo Metro) that was sold in the Canadian market with an available convertible body option. So if you’re in the market for an all-original, unmolested piece of flimsy Canadian automotive history, you’re one available car down. This atrocity sports a quasi-Donk stance (thanks to a set of ludicrously oversized wheels), a Honda Del Sol-esque hardtop roof, some serious rear wing action, and a paint job that looks like it was done by a substance addict with an abstract art fixation.
18
DODGE NEON
The Dodge Neon is just one of those cars that’s faded into the annals of automotive history as a regrettable footnote. Chrysler’s Corporation’s stab at the Corolla and Civic wasn’t all that bad by the standards of the day, but when modern compact cars have the same creature comforts as an S-Class from a decade ago, it might seem a little spartan and flimsy.
Discounting the fire-breathing SRT-4 trim, it wasn’t especially fast either, sauntering to 60 MPH in just over 9 seconds.
It seems unlikely somehow that adding a pair of scissor doors, chrome wheels, and a gaudy body kit will have done much to help matters.
17
GEO METRO
This picture was posted over four years ago on a Reddit board we can't name here under the title of “My friend is starting a new style he says.” Going purely off of the number of Geo Metros that I see with graffiti-style paint jobs, big wings and imitation wire wheels, I’m going to go ahead and say that the original poster’s acquittance might not be the trend-setter that they think they are. That said, there are few better ways of starting a conversation than rolling up to the club in one of these.
16
HONDA INSIGHT
If I were in the market for a fuel efficient beater, I’d take a long look at the original Honda Insight. First introduced back in 2000, it was a cheap, no-frills hybrid commuter with a surplus of fuel-saving engineering tricks up its sleeves.
Tricks like the rear wheel fairings, which are simultaneously the dorkiest thing in the world and also really cool: they cut the Insight’s drag coefficient to a dolphin-like 0.25.
It was also blessed with Honda’s expertise in manual transmissions, as the first run of cars was only available with a 5-speed stick shift. That doesn't mean it was fast mind you: even with its sleek silhouette and slick-shifting gearbox, it would still take over 10 seconds to get to 60. That makes it all the more baffling why the owner of this particular example saw fit to give it some GT-style canards and some squintier headlight coverings.
15
HYUNDAI TIBURON
Despite the fact that Hyundai has its best product lineup, well, ever, I still somehow hear people clamoring for the return of the Tiburon. Somehow, they’ve managed to ignore the recently redesigned Veloster, which has taken the Tiburon’s spot in the now hopefully expanding entry-level sports compact market alongside the new Honda Civic Si. These poor folks are also probably forgetting that the dinky front-driver earned a pretty unsavory reputation near the end of its lifespan, in no small part thanks to abominations such as this. I’ve never understood the appeal of melted-looking body kits, especially when they give cars the same stance as a shopping cart.
14
MERCEDES-BENZ SLR MCLAREN RED GOLD DREAM
The very existence of the so-called “Red Gold Dream” provides the answer to a question that has long confounded automotive researchers: can a supercar be “riced”? Though the standard SLR McLaren is a mightily fast car, a given considering the engineering talent behind its development, it doesn’t really exude the same sort of raw-edged vibe that a purpose-built race car does. Too sophisticated, too grand-tourer-esque for that sort of thing.
Meanwhile, this monstrosity is more like a plate of fine caviar that’s been drowned in a bottle of champagne: two good things made less than the sum of their parts.
It was built for Swiss businessman Ueli Anliker, who unsurprisingly tried to sell the car, but for the equivalent of $9,377,900.00.
13
MITSUBISHI ECLIPSE
Though it never quite reached the same heady heights of pop culture infamy as Brian O’Connor’s bright orange Toyota Supra, the second-generation Mitsubishi Eclipse still gained a boatload of new fans thanks to the box office success of The Fast and the Furious. Thankfully, it wasn’t necessarily a case of the public falling in love with an absolute dog, as in top-spec GS-T (FWD) and GSX (AWD) trims, it packaged the automaker’s potent 4G63 inline-four under the hood, good for 210 hp. Unfortunately, most people who saw the film seemed to think that all Eclipses were equally as fast, creating a cottage industry of backwards-cap wearing idiots who slapped big wings and tribal decals on the sides of their 140 hp base model cars.
12
MITSUBISHI MIRAGE
The Mirage has the honor of being one of the cheapest new cars for sale in the North American market, priced at a keen $13,830 in three-door ES trim. The old adage of getting what you pay for comes into full effect here, as you’ll have the full might of three spirited hamsters under the hood, generating a colossal 78 hp.
Tiny wheels and tires also mean that you won’t be taking the lead at the next autocross meet either, that is, if it doesn’t roll over and crumple like a tissue box thrown into a bathtub.
With all of this said, why did the owner of this Mirage take the time to fit some comically oversized bolt-on fender flares and an aero kit that looks like it belongs on a time attack car?
11
FORD MUSTANG “SILVER KNIGHT”
If you aren’t already, I highly recommend adding the Nissan Micra Cup to your motorsports-watching schedule. It’s a Canada-only series run on tracks around the country, with competitors vying for top position in Nissan subcompacts modified to spec. It’s hilarious and intense in equal measure, with drivers banging doors and sometimes going three abreast into a corner. It also happens to be considered a form of professional motorsport, with the race-prepped Micras starting at an eminently reasonable equivalent of $17,122 USD (for reference, a Mazda MX-5 Cup car will cost you upwards of $50,000). All of that to say that maybe the owner of this clapped-out Euro-market Micra might be looking to channel a bit of that scrappy spirit.
9
RENAULT CLIO
Much like escargot bulgogi or kimchi served with brie cheese, this is just one Korean-French fusion that was bound to fail. Who’d have foreseen the fact that mating the vaguely aquatic front clip from a Hyundai Tiburon to the squared-off rear end of a Renault Clio would end in disaster? Or that covering the whole shebang in the toxic-spill teal and dehydrated pee yellow would best be described as visually harmful? The eyes of so many could have been spared had the owner not decided to attack his creation’s flanks with a cheese grater! I suppose I should respect the level of creativity on display here, but on the other, ehhh.
8
SATURN SC
Alright, I’m more than aware that this one is a joke: no one straps three spoilers to back end of their daily driver in the hopes of being taken seriously. Two wings? Sure, some people are dumb enough to think that they’re bi-winged ricer totally isn't street legal bro, but the cops can’t catch me! But three? On the back of a chromed-laden Saturn? With flame decals? No doubt, this is the work of a comedic visionary. It takes guts, determination, and a bunch of duct tape to turn this sort of dream into a reality.
7
ŠKODA ATERO
Unlike most of the entries on this list, this Škoda has the misfortune of being modified from the factory. Well, sort of. The Atero is a one-off, two-door version of the bargain-basement Rapid sedan, which represents one of the most affordable ways of getting into a Volkswagen (for those who are unaware, Škoda is Volkswagen’s entry-level brand).
It was designed and built by a group of factory technicians and technicians-in-training in a process that took over 1,700 man-hours to complete.
While it was meant to appeal to young car buyers, maybe more of that time should have been devoted to what the youth of today are actually interested in, because it certainly isn’t neon underglow.
6
TOYOTA CAMRY
The Camry name is synonymous with a lot of things. Beige carpeting. Beige paint. Beige drivers. Look, I’ll try not to be too unfair, because there are just so many Camry owners on North American roads. Toyota has shifted millions of these things since their debut back in 1983.
It would be a statistical impossibility for all of their buyers to be boring. What better proof of this theory than this monstrous creation.
Based on the fifth-generation XV30-chassis Camry, it features candy-red paint and scissor doors, not to mention a surplus of chrome on everything from the grille to the comically enormous dubs sitting in the wheel wells.
5
TOYOTA PRIUS KUHL
I’ll be totally honest: I kind of like this thing. It’s so garish, so ludicrously over-the-top, that I can’t help but smile when I look at it. It may have started life as the automotive equivalent of a toaster, but it has transcended its humble beginnings and become some sort of wheeled Cthulhu, reducing everyone who gazes upon its great and terrible hot pink shell to a gibbering, giggling mess. And then you open the doors and the riots start.
It’s almost as though the owner of this Yaris threw every single ostentatious aftermarket trend at this car, but with their visual impact having been concentrated by the car’s tiny footprint.
3
VOLKSWAGEN JETTA
This is an old-school piece of ricer-dom: a questionably-modified commuter car that features flame decals and an ironing board strapped to the trunk. It’s a reminder of a simpler time, before the age of "hellaflush" or vinyl wraps or bolt-on overfenders.
Mind you, this Jetta manages to eclipse the age of tribal decals and candy paint with a set of convex wire wheels.
It’s a completely and utterly baffling cosmetic decision: what inspired the owner of this car to do such a thing? Combined with the bright yellow flames on the car’s side, I can only presume that they’re attempting to channel an American hot rod vibe on the cheap.
2
AUDI A5
I often wonder if the people who own cars like this Audi think that their gambit will actually work. What exactly do they think will go down? Are they going to roll up to the club and instantly get the VIP treatment because a bouncer with a lazy left eye and an extreme astigmatism in the right thought that they rolled up in an R8?
There’s no shame in owning an A5: after all, it’s one of the most handsome-looking cars the automaker has ever put into production, with its crisp lines still looking completely and utterly fresh even over 11 years from its debut.
1
CHEVROLET CAVALIER
Look, I get it: the “grotesquely bewinged economy car” is practically a cliché on these sorts of lists. It’s completely merited however. I find it difficult to believe that the owner of a beat-up Cavalier is hiding something slick under the hood, or at least impressive enough to get some benefit out of that Boeing-size wing out back.
Of course, traveling at the sort of speeds that can generate useable downforce isn’t really sustainable on the street. At least not if you value your license.
That would imply the idea that they take their car to the track, but with that ghastly, badly-fitting body kit and knockoff wheels, I’m not so sure that’s true.
It’s a little-known fact that the overall number of air intakes, functional and non-functional alike, have a multiplying effect on a car’s power output. One hood scoop? Puh-lease, that’s some casual stuff. Two hood scoops, now we’re talking! That’s like dropping another V8 engine into the car! How about another pair behind the front wheels? Well slap some butter on my face and call me biscuit boy, you’ve just added another two or three hundred horses to the equation! But wait! By God gents, he’s added another set of intakes behind the side windows!
10
NISSAN MICRA