I can’t speak for anyone but myself when I say that it’s a miracle I survived my time as a teenager without any permanent damage (to myself or others). I'm shocked I didn't accumulate any more traffic tickets than I did.
There’s those super condescending studies that say "teenagers’ brains don’t function like adults," meaning they literally don’t make decisions the way adults would. I remember hearing that as a teenager and being like, "Fine, whatever, but how? What’s the difference?"
Now I know what the difference is.
Nothing could ever be as urgent or done as impulsive as my most mundane of decisions as a teenager. Anyway, these folks don’t have my incredible luck for avoiding catastrophe, but what's even worse than catastrophe is that it's all on the Internet. No apology can undo that.
23 But How?
A single post cost two and a half years at a private college? How? What could she possibly have said? Did she post a manifesto or assert her wish to become a North Korean citizen? Did she join ISIS? Actually, she for sure didn’t, but another teen on our list did (I know, it’s ridiculous, so just stick around). This must have been a case of slander, right? So was she throwing shade on another student or did she post a deeply vicious Yelp review of the local cafe? And why did her parents entertain this to the point that lawyers were involved for long enough that these fees racked up? Are they those parents that can’t admit their child messed up? Everyone involved in this sounds so overbearing.
22 When You Need To Think This Through
Bud, I’ve got a few pieces of bad news for you. First off, no heart throb has braces. I know, you’re appealing to a demographic that’s younger than I want to consider, but just let it simmer. Second, no one wants to see a dude in a tank top. They might think they want to see that, but they really don’t. They’ll realize that when they see you in one. Oh and lastly, you totally messed up. This is idiotic and you obviously stole it from someone who said it with slightly different wording where it actually made sense. The best outcome is that you delete this, but I doubt that’s going to happen. The second best outcome is that you grow up to be handsome enough to remain this stupid.
The jury’s out on that one.
21 We're Listening
There is no why behind this. Actually, there’s a why, but it’s a pretty simple reason that doesn’t need explanation. And it's no reason to bring Hot Pockets into this mess. It’s not like we need to know his motivation. He’s not a serial killer whose brain is a tightly protected fortress of genius. He's just a horned up teenage boy.
I love that this kid thinks if we just see it from his perspective, it won’t be as weird. I know why you did this, kid, and I’m still judging you. I don’t need a letter on his motives, I need to know how long he let the Hot Pocket cool off after microwaving it and if there’s anyway he didn’t set fire to himself via molten cheese. I just know he didn’t wait long enough. Ugh, who does this?
20 Please Stop
mirror.co.uk
Remember when your parents would ask if you’d jump off a bridge just because your friend did? First off, what if I’m a very well trained lifeguard with a killer backstroke and a history of competitive diving? And what if it’s a low bridge? Second, am I supposed to just call the paramedics? Because I doubt our parents asked this question with cell phones in mind, and I still feel capable for my friend’s actions. But that’s not the point. The point is that somehow this as a popular trend. Would you make a homemade combustible just because your friends did? It sounds a tiny bit awesome but also, no. There’s no amount of peer pressure that can get me into the homemade bomb scene. That’s never worth the snap.
17 This Little Blast From The Past
youtube.com
Does this feel like it was a long time ago? It was probably just two summers back, but now the “Kylie Jenner Challenge” would mean something different altogether (and it would involve the life of a baby). You can oppose the wording, but that would actually be a mistake you can’t reverse. Unless you have millions in makeup cash or are ready to be a super young parent, and are just built for that life. In which case, congrats.
Is it weird that we might have gotten off easy with kids disfiguring their faces to be like Kylie? That might have been the best case scenario and we weren’t even grateful at the time. Is anyone else curious about whether her pregnancy influenced teen pregnancy rates? I know that’s not a study Harvard is going to do anytime soon, but I can wonder.
16 When Nobody Is Down For Your Plan
imgur.com
What is this friend group and how do I report them all? I love that the “mom of the group,” the girl who probably is always the voice of reason is like, hey, maybe don’t lay down on train tracks! (Or train "trakes," whatever those are.) And the other girls are like, you’re being so stuffy — all we have to do is not lift our head up when the train goes over us.
Why does this sound like a fun thing for teens? I’m not going to explain all the reasons not to do this because that would hurt too much. What I will marvel over is how this sounds worth it to anyone. Have a swig of your dad's beer, just don't do this.
Also, I just realized I assumed the other girl who’s down for this was named “Kenzie.” But it’s Keinze. What is that name?
14 When Now Is Not The Time
pinterest.com
Okay, babe, you very much look like the kind of person that worked at Auschwitz and not the kind that was imprisoned there, if you know what I'm saying. I’m not saying this picture would be anything less than tasteless if it was taken by a young Jewish kid, but having the star of this selfie be the image of Aryan perfection is a new low.
You’re clearly not getting out of this what you’re supposed to be.
It’s cool you’re traveling Europe but… maybe wait until you’re at some adorable crepe shop to lay into the selfies and the smizing. If you just have to photograph your time on the Holocaust tour, take it in the bunker where Hitler killed himself. It's still super weird but… slightly better?
13 When We're A Second Too Early
Boringly
What is it with teens and trains? Stand behind a rocket ship that’s about to blast off like you live in the 21st Century. Get run over by a HoverBoard like a real kid. But a locomotive? Are we Mark Twain characters getting our rocks off watching the trains? Whatever, the type of vehicle is not the issue here. These kids are ruthless. This boy was unbelievably okay after taking a picture where he’s in front of a moving train. All that happened was the conductor kicked him in the head to get him away. Yeah, that’s the best case scenario when you play with a train. If you’re lucky you’ll get kicked in the head and you need to thank the person who just concussed you.
12 Such A Story
TeamJimmyJoe
This is such a beginning, middle, and end kind of story and I love it. We are talking highs and lows here with such a vivid setting.
I really did think he was robbing the store for its actual items and not the money until I read the article. I thought he took the job for a good employee discount. No, this whole thing is a little sad and weird, and so far from being a perfect crime. He wasn't close at all. This is the exact opposite of a perfect crime. If you leave your name and contact information at a crime scene, you did a really bad job. It might seem like a bonus that the person you’re robbing is so impressed they want to hire you, but I promise, it’s a trap; a trap that works.
11 When It's A Bad Brag Anyway
Wildlife
I’m so baffled by this one. First of all, what a classic. Ugh, typical me. I’m such a goof, getting behind the wheel totally smashed. This is the weirdest combination of superficial guilt as far as that apology, the smile, and mostly an unfounded pride. You just can’t feel bad for this kid — he makes it seem like he drives drunk all the time (and if he’s lying to impress us, that’s a super weird indicator of where his head is at too) and he’s so okay with the ramifications, which have already made themselves known. Yeah, I’m glad someone screenshotted this and turned him in. They were doing him the biggest favor if the arrest put an end to this nonsense. He shouldn't even have a Facebook.
10 When It Got So Much Weirder
youtube.com
I remember the exact moment in my life I was introduced to the concept of chugging alcohol through your eyes or even using your eyeballs for anything other than looking around.
I sort of think I was so traumatized by that information, I just stopped growing emotionally past that point. I’ll forever be the same age I was when I learned about this.
Personally, my eyeballs and I are like slightly distant roommates. We bump into each other but besides putting in contacts, we don’t have much contact and that’s how I like it. I try to stay out of my eyeballs way and my eyeballs try not to writhe in agony. You know, the burning sensation of alcohol touching a vulnerable part of the body it was never intended to? Yeah, I limit those kinds of interactions with my eyeballs.
9 When The Risk Is Not Worth It
youtube.com
Look, I get it — my life is worth less than a ton of likes. Everything I’ve accomplished and all the people that love me are way less important than receiving validation from strangers.
I really do get the validation from total strangers thing; sarcasm aside, it’s the best. However, and maybe it’s my crippling fear of heights, but this isn’t worth it. This is too much. I’d rather be emotionally vulnerable than up this high. And shirtless for some reason? How did that become part of this? He has to be chilly. Ugh, get down from there. I just hate this kind of stunt with a special part of my heart, which is usually reserved for hating Ben Affleck and people who blame everyone but themselves for their mistakes.
8 When It Was Way Too Easy
pinterest.com
The only thing I love more than a whole involved saga is the quickest, easiest thwarting. That response was so fast and you know the first couple seconds he was on the line with the cops (and totally thought it was his friend about to hook him up. Also, I hope I don’t need to clarify this, but this is in no way what a friend does) were so awkward. Especially if this guy called and just started talking without giving the receptionist a second to say the name of the station… Can you just hang up and say it’s a prank call or do they follow your number? At least this guy definitely didn’t have any drugs on him if the police did follow up on this.
7 When You Needed To Stop Long Ago
pinterest.com
I just can’t believe this girl. Of all the stupid things on this list, this might be the one my own mother would be most furious at me for. Well, besides any that involve dying. I don’t know why this one strikes me as so especially bad; like, it's way worse than pouring vodka on your face. I think it’s because this does the kind of harm that can follow you for a long time. Well, same for dying underneath a train. This isn’t even one of those cards with a customized picture — not that you should post this picture under any circumstances.
I promise, no debit card is that cute. Do something else for attention but don’t post your financial info. Ugh, this girl is so clearly not ready for her own bank accounts or even a Twitter account. And yet, here we are.
6 When It's So Cute That It's Not
pinterest.com
Wow, this boy somehow managed to find the most unscrupulous tattoo artist who clearly didn’t explain the permanent nature of tattoos. The only reason to commit to this is if he also plans on impregnating his prom date so they’re stuck together forever. Otherwise, you’re for sure not going to see this girl again after a few semesters in college. This is so over the top. I understand the urge to do something unique but… not this. Rent a skywriter or just buy a ton of balloons. This tattoo is the definition of something that won’t age well.
At least she said yes...
She’s as dumb as him for saying yes and I guess that’s sweet, kind of. You know, in a pathetic way that's like, maybe we should just give them this.
5 When Your Mom Is Always There For You
gawker.com
There’s so much to address with this one but first off: do you think you have to list ISIS on your resume? Do you have to inform employers that you spent time as part of a terrorist group or is that more of a 'don’t ask, don’t tell' deal?
Okay, moving on to the amazingness of moms.
You really can turn to your mom in the hardest of times. Who else would want to hear from your lazy self after you forsake your life to join an organization that beheads people? And also, side note, this teenager isn’t great to women. She has the audacity to call her mom and tell her she joined a terrorist group? Instead of guessing her parents would shun her for her actions, she decided to give 'em a call anyways. That’s the most hilarious humility I’ve seen in a long time.
4 When You Need A New Hobby
pinterest.com
It sets the bar so low that this is barely the fifth most stupid thing we’ve looked at so far. I almost feel like not judging this girl just because she didn’t shave off her eyebrow while like, laying under a train or wiggling between the turbines of a jet.
Part of me is like, 'Oh give her a break." But the rest of me knows better. Sure, she looks terrible and her face is messed up until that hair grows back. But you know what? That’ll grow back in time, and truthfully, she doesn’t even know to be ashamed of it. She’s a lot better off than most people on this list and that makes me so deeply sad and concerned for the future.
Just kidding, most of these people won’t make it to the future. Sure, it’s mean but it’s also pretty spot on.
3 When Everything Is Perfect
Seenox
I know this sentence isn’t one that you thought would ever exist but doesn’t it feel so perfect? Doesn’t it feel totally right in every atom of your being that a kid wearing a flower pot would also forget to wear a belt? I really think this is one of those few crimes that needed to happen. This is obviously a young man who got totally trashed at a home improvement store and knew to armor up for his big crime with a terracotta mask.
Ugh, I l also love that he was able to walk while drunk with a flower pot on his head. He will absolutely run into something and it’ll shatter all over him. And a chainsaw? He shouldn’t have that! How is his butt the least funny detail of this? Butts are usually the most funny part!
2 This Isn't What Love Is
IMGUR
This girl sounds like the worst kind. It's reminders of how bad people can be that makes me relieved I'm older now and have a better radar for jerks. Obviously, the boy made the decision and that’s totally on him and all the trouble he’s going to be in. But anyone who thinks this is romantic or that turning down opportunities is what a good partner should do for love is the most toxic person.
This is just so backwards.
It’s like being excited your boyfriend or girlfriend didn’t get the surgery they needed because they wanted to spend that time with you. Support them! The true sign of a good love is if it makes you better, not if it makes you regress! Oh boy, this guy’s life just got so much worse and he’s clearly not smart enough to handle it.
1 And Of Course
Yeah, that’s the face of someone who definitely didn’t get the high they were expecting. Is it nice that his grandpa is now forever a part of him? No, I know it’s not and he probably sneezed him out immediately. I do love that it was his own grandpa and not someone else’s ashes, though.
First off, it’s messed up to snort another person’s loved one. Keep it in the family. Also, he clearly stole it from his parents. Did he think his parents kept their cocaine in an urn? Do they? I really hope this kid did that obnoxious thing where you pretend you’re intoxicated because the placebo is so strong. Except it’s way better to find out you actually smoked oregano instead of finding out you snorted your poppa. That's something far worse than just humiliating.