I never thought my son was a perfect angel, but I was still taken aback by what his teacher told me about his struggles.
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As a writer for Working Mother, I preach the gospel of working mom empowerment—but it’s not just what I do for a living. I’m also a true believer. I really do think working moms are great moms and that our kids will turn out just fine.
So I’ve never really suffered much from working mom guilt. I do my best to be a good mom, to make sure my 3-year-old son Nick* eats healthy meals (mostly), reads books every night (mostly) and enjoys plenty of playtime with Mommy and Daddy on the weekends (mostly). I’m not perfect—not even close—but my son knows he’s loved. And that’s what’s important, right?
I never thought my son needed my attention 24/7 to flourish. He goes to a great preschool, where he loves his friends and teachers. I love my job. My husband loves his job. We love that we can afford our mortgage. It all seemed like an ideal arrangement for our family—then came the parent-teacher conference from hell.
Nick struggles to take turns and display self control.
Nick is very tactile during play, and this can be troubling for his friends.
Nick has a hard time focusing.
Nick’s fine motor skills need improvement.
Nick’s speech is not always clear.
Nick hasn’t yet learned to recognize numbers or letters.
After my son’s teacher halted her candid critique, my husband and I sat very still, mouths agape. We knew our son was, ahem, energetic. We knew he was a little too fond of the word, “Mine.” We knew that he’s not very interested, to my book-loving-heart’s despair, in reading or writing. But we chalked it all up to typical toddler behavior that he’d outgrow with time if we kept gently and persistently guiding him. To hear that he’d fallen behind his classmates was a bitter pill to swallow.
I was immediately swamped with all the guilt I thought I’d conveniently done away with. Was this my fault for skipping books at bedtime every now and then? Did we allow screen time too early and too often? Do I check my cell phone too much at home? Does he have problems focusing because I’m a distracted parent? Do we do too few projects together, like painting and puzzles? Do I work too much? Am I bad mother???
My friends all reassured me: No, you’re not a bad mother. Kids develop in their own time. All children are different. Nick will be fine. And even if he struggles with learning throughout his scholastic career, it doesn’t mean it’s somehow my fault, that I’ve failed him as a working mom. Plenty of stay-at-home moms have kids who struggle in school. And plenty of those kids go on to lead successful lives.
It was just what I needed to hear, and I’d like to say it assuaged all my guilt, but that’s simply not true. I still fret. We’re getting him evaluated for speech therapy, and I’ve made a host of New Year’s resolutions aimed at helping my son succeed in school. I’ve decided to pick him up 30 minutes earlier, to give us more time for reading and projects in the evening.
Amidst all my worry and stress, there’s one person who hasn’t panicked: my husband. Though he has equally high hopes for our son’s success, he’s handled the fallout from that troubling parent-teacher conference with equanimity. And, to be fair, the teacher said plenty of great things about my kid too: He loves his friends, he loves art, and he’s very observant and curious. My husband took the good with the bad. It didn’t occur to him to wonder: Do I work too much? Am I a bad father???
And therein lies the rub for working moms. We know the guilt is silly. We know it’s unfair. We know working dads don’t struggle with guilt nearly as much. Yet even when we think we’ve conquered it, it pops up again, like a nasty daycare virus. Or a bad parent-teacher conference.
*Name has been changed