Learning how to get along is an underrated skill.
Whenever I introduce myself to young children around the world, they struggle with how to pronounce my first name. Then I smile and say, “It’s like ravioli. Without the oli.” Right away, they grin and recognize they’ve made a connection.
The technological world we’ve created—the world our children will live in—requires them to be able to connect to other human beings in ways never seen before. They often have streaming conversations with friends and family in other continents, attend school with children of vastly different backgrounds, and will someday work in quickly-shifting business environments that compel them to manage uncertainty and stress. To thrive, they must know how to listen, adapt with diversity, regulate themselves and collaborate. All that begins with emotional capabilities like learning people’s names and sharing a smile.
We have not historically emphasized such skills. Working parents feel pressure from a variety of sources to have their child learn numbers and letters, or tasks like tying shoelaces. School-age children should take piano lessons or martial arts or have basketball practice. These are necessary for developing a well-rounded child, but not sufficient. Without understanding of emotions, our children will become advanced in knowledge but lacking wisdom. We can and must develop both intellect and emotions.
Children begin absorbing spoonfuls of emotional skills from their earliest days. They recognize smiles of others and smile back. They engage others in play. They express how they feel and show compassion for others. Sadly, we tend to shut down their emotions with phrases like “Boys don’t cry” and “Sshhh! Don’t be so excitable!”
While there are hundreds of ways we can each help grow the emotional skills of children, here are five easy tips to help ensure your child develops emotionally:
1. Play “recognizing feelings” games.
We often play recognition games in public with young children. “Look over there, what color is that man’s jacket?” Supplement that with recognition of emotions. Ask your child, “Does he look happy, sad, angry or scared?” Let them also learn to read your facial expressions.
2. Balance your communications packages.
Children’s brains love to take in information in a variety of ways. Speak in as many different language packages as you can. One time, tell a story. Other times, tell a joke. Blend in factual content with creative expression. Try sharing a message in multiple communications packages so their whole brain is enhanced.
Children naturally ask tons of questions to engage others. (It can sometimes get annoying how many questions they ask!) Do the same with them. Don’t only instruct them. Ask questions like, “How do you think we should handle this situation?” And, “What are our choices to solve our problem?” By asking questions, we let them feel safe to explore possibilities.
4. Role model coping with pain.
Children learn by watching. Sometimes, to “protect” our children, we avoid them so they don’t see us in pain or difficulty. Try the opposite approach instead. Let them witness you talking things out with another adult. Let them watch you breathe and do yoga. Let them see how laughter can turn a bad day into a good day.
5. Allow for the full range of emotions.
There are behaviors that are unacceptable. We don’t allow cruelty to others, for example. While we can put limits on behavior, it is much harder to regulate internal emotions. Let your child understand that feelings are normal. Sometimes we’re happy; sometimes we’re sad, angry or scared. Let them know they will still be loved regardless of their feelings of a particular moment.
Ravi Rao is a former neurosurgery resident at the Children’s Hospital of Boston. He received his education at Johns Hopkins University. You can see him on Hello Babies with Doctor Ravi on YouTube.